Market Poetry

By: Market Poetry

ITEM 1. Business
Blackstone (the “Company”) is engaged in the business of buying overpriced companies, loading them unsustainably with debt, and then reselling them to the greater fool. Our business is facilitated by low interest rates and inexperienced lenders with quotas to meet. In the current market environment we are pursuing larger, higher profile acquisitions than ever before in order to feed our constantly growing egos. After financially raping our corporate acquisitions, our goal is to pass them on to someone else before problems emerge. We charge exorbitant fees to our limited partner investors that are entirely disconnected to the risk we take and the value we create. Due to our prestige and aura, we are able to offer our investors the opportunity to be associated with our institution and the feeling that they are “in the game,” in place of returns truly commensurate with our fee structure. With Mr. Shwarzman’s recent appearance on the cover of Fortune magazine and the current private equity hype, there is no better time to sell an interest in the Company. Through obfuscation, legalese, selective non-disclosure, and creating the illusion of impenetrable complexity, we believe we are able to accomplish an IPO without revealing too many of our secrets. Post-IPO we will continue to run the company for the benefit of management, but that will not be apparent to our bubble-chasing shareholders.

Editor’s note: This is more prose than poetry, but what the heck. Click for more Market Poetry.

By Market Poetry

“You’re better off private,”
Schwarzman tells all.
“But for me,” he mumbles-
“the IPO does call.”
A public Blackstone means the top.
Watch out folks, for the drop.

By M. Korn

(on his new job)

I think through it all
You will have a ball
To trade: to win, to lose
To profit and to muse
To jump to think to act
Thrill in thy days not lack’d
But these words instructive:
To keep the right perspective