What An Honest SEC Filing From Blackstone Would Look Like
By: Market Poetry
ITEM 1. Business
Blackstone (the “Company”) is engaged in the business of buying overpriced companies, loading them unsustainably with debt, and then reselling them to the greater fool. Our business is facilitated by low interest rates and inexperienced lenders with quotas to meet. In the current market environment we are pursuing larger, higher profile acquisitions than ever before in order to feed our constantly growing egos. After financially raping our corporate acquisitions, our goal is to pass them on to someone else before problems emerge. We charge exorbitant fees to our limited partner investors that are entirely disconnected to the risk we take and the value we create. Due to our prestige and aura, we are able to offer our investors the opportunity to be associated with our institution and the feeling that they are “in the game,” in place of returns truly commensurate with our fee structure. With Mr. Shwarzman’s recent appearance on the cover of Fortune magazine and the current private equity hype, there is no better time to sell an interest in the Company. Through obfuscation, legalese, selective non-disclosure, and creating the illusion of impenetrable complexity, we believe we are able to accomplish an IPO without revealing too many of our secrets. Post-IPO we will continue to run the company for the benefit of management, but that will not be apparent to our bubble-chasing shareholders.
Editor’s note: This is more prose than poetry, but what the heck. Click for more Market Poetry.
March 28th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Correct, absolutely!
April 2nd, 2007 at 6:01 am
[…] What An Honest SEC Filing from Blackstone Would Look Like - This is a hilarious post that pokes fun at the rich and greedy investors over at Blackstone. I read word of the IPO, but it doesn’t interest me. Although I recommend their Indian Fund - The India Fund. […]
April 18th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
[…] Market Poetry presents What An Honest SEC Filing From Blackstone Would Look Like posted at Market Poetry, saying, “Thank you and g’luck with the carnival!” […]
April 18th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
sad but true.
if you’ve read GM annual report, you’d see they’re playing the obfuscation game.
HSBC’s annual report was supposedly 600 pages so you can bet it must have been incomprehensible.
pity companies can be honest like buffett and tell the truth and make their annual reports interesting!
good job.
April 18th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
great post.
they’re selling cause the market is probably willing to give them a higher valuation than they can achieve through their LBOs.
which means its going to turn out better for the insiders than the investors.